I know what's best for you. I do - really.
"I know what you should do to sort out your problem. You should do this... "
"I know what you should do to sort out your problem. You should do this... "
Helpful advice and good suggestions
How many times have we said this or heard this from our friends and relatives? We all like to think that we know what is best for other people, not only because we love them and want the best for them, but also because we genuinely believe what has worked effectively for us in the past, will work for those for whom who we care.
How many times have we said this or heard this from our friends and relatives? We all like to think that we know what is best for other people, not only because we love them and want the best for them, but also because we genuinely believe what has worked effectively for us in the past, will work for those for whom who we care.
The funny thing is, that often these good suggestions do work for them, but they don't want to hear this helpful advice from us.
Not from us
For some reason, and I am in the middle of working this out at the moment, our loved ones will often take helpful advice from strangers or acquaintances who they hardly know. Sometimes it is exactly what we have suggested but described or presented in a different way by the acquaintance. This is so annoying that it used to get me hopping mad until I realised three things were making a difference between being listened to, and being filed away somewhere.
For some reason, and I am in the middle of working this out at the moment, our loved ones will often take helpful advice from strangers or acquaintances who they hardly know. Sometimes it is exactly what we have suggested but described or presented in a different way by the acquaintance. This is so annoying that it used to get me hopping mad until I realised three things were making a difference between being listened to, and being filed away somewhere.
Delivery
The first thing is delivery. The method of delivery of our helpful advice is so important and has to fit with the way someone learns or assimilates their knowledge. This is a whole subject on its own and there are courses and university degrees devoted to the way people learn and the way to get through to 'tagret audiences'. We cannot hope to understand this unless we have studied it, so any delivery of our advice will be hit-and-miss at best.
Timing
The second is timing. Actors know that timing is everything and so it is with helpful advice too. Getting our good suggestions information across has to be done at the right time otherwise it will not sink in on a conscious level. Unconscious information gathering goes on constantly and we are always being bombarded by TV advertising and other media offerings. Timing does not seem to make much difference on subconscious input as far as I can make out.
Motivation
The third is motivation. Unless someone is actively looking for good advice, information on a subject or help for an issue, what we provide will always be 'background stuff'. This is the kind of information we read or hear and store away in part of our brain for another time when we might need it. The old saying that "You can bring a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink" is very true and reflects the situation nicely. As an outsider, we can see someone 'needing help' but the person concerned is just not ready or at that stage of their life to require a solution to their problem.
Health advice
These three points are particularly interesting where health is concerned. We often see a friend or relative who has a health problem and we naturally want to help them. Our experiences are the best we have to offer, and offering the good suggestions which have been successful for us is the way we show our love and caring for the person who is ill.
These three points are particularly interesting where health is concerned. We often see a friend or relative who has a health problem and we naturally want to help them. Our experiences are the best we have to offer, and offering the good suggestions which have been successful for us is the way we show our love and caring for the person who is ill.
A form of arrogance
Unfortunately, the problem comes when we think that our life experiences are better and more effective than those of the friend or relative who is ill. Unless we are experts in the area concerned, it is an extreme form of arrogance to think that our helpful advice is any better and more effective than theirs, and unless they ask for suggestions or help, perhaps it would be kinder not to offer our opinions.
Unfortunately, the problem comes when we think that our life experiences are better and more effective than those of the friend or relative who is ill. Unless we are experts in the area concerned, it is an extreme form of arrogance to think that our helpful advice is any better and more effective than theirs, and unless they ask for suggestions or help, perhaps it would be kinder not to offer our opinions.
The best of intentions
I know many of you will disagree with this last point and you will insist that any suggestion you make is done with the best of intentions and it is up to the person concerned whether they accept your good suggestions or not. To some extent I understand your feelings, but I think that there is enough control exerted on us by almost every aspect of society in general without out friends and relatives adding to it. In addition to this, my own experiences have taught me that things get extremely complicated when you have many friends and family all making kindly suggestions. This is particularly overpowering when a person is ill and does not need the energy drain and extra confusion that so many 'helpful suggestions' bring.
I know many of you will disagree with this last point and you will insist that any suggestion you make is done with the best of intentions and it is up to the person concerned whether they accept your good suggestions or not. To some extent I understand your feelings, but I think that there is enough control exerted on us by almost every aspect of society in general without out friends and relatives adding to it. In addition to this, my own experiences have taught me that things get extremely complicated when you have many friends and family all making kindly suggestions. This is particularly overpowering when a person is ill and does not need the energy drain and extra confusion that so many 'helpful suggestions' bring.
Paul Wyllie is a knowledgeable person on stress, anxiety, and stress-related issues, however, like the rest of us, he is also still learning and practicing his time management skills. Stress is one area in life where small positive changes lead to large improvements in health.
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